The Superior People's Republic of Taking Two Steps at a Time up the Stairs
"After being on this my journey for so many years, I come to realize that I have truly never traversed a landscape such as this one. Here, there are no automobiles nor pedal-driven vehicles. No flat landscapes nor downwards slopes. Here, your legs are your only means of survival, and your desired direction is only ever ' ''ꙞUPꙞ''' '. All else, is death. "'' — The travelling explorer Garret Garretsson, travelling the lands of Stairsteppia. Information The Superior People's Republic of Taking Two Steps at a Time up the Stairs, also known by its abbreviation 'Stairsteppia', is a nation in Supreme Death Hell. It is located in the southern-most part of the eastern continent. The nation shares a land border with The Dankmocracy of The United Kingdom of the BBQ SAUCE as well as The Radioactive Wastelands of Atomicbombia. The Stairsteppian government describes the nation as a self-reliant socialist nation but is widely considered a totalitarian dictatorship across Supreme Death Hell. As claimed by its leaders, the nation is wholly united to accomplish one goal - successfully reaching the top of a large land formation given the name The Stairway to Heaven by the nation's populace. The nation is known for its extreme landscapes that mostly consist of marble, obsidian, and bedrock. The land is formed in a way that makes all hard surfaces appear as if they consist of steps in a staircase, all eventually leading up to the nation's highest peak, being the Stairway to Heaven. This is generally assumed by hellstorians to be the reason why the Stairsteppian populace are so obsessed with stairs, but almost every person who has made this claim has either been found mysteriously at the bottom of a set or are on the run from the Republic's government. History Banishment to Supreme Death Hell In the beginning, a nation of unknown name and origin was cast into the horrid realm of Supreme Death Hell for reasons debated. Hellstorians in the Republic claims the banishment was unjust and that they had done nothing wrong, while many others outside the boundaries of Stairsteppia believe their incessant arrogance might be the cause of their entrapment. According to official Republic records, the banished nation found itself in a land riddled with steps, with a grand stairway reaching its ways into the sky. The populace soon started to believe that this stairway was a way out of Supreme Death Hell, but it was impossible to traverse as the way up was incredibly steep and every other step was covered with spilled soda and bits of gum no one bothered picking up. Under the unexpected leadership of one man called Longbone McAllister, a man with a blessed (or malformed, as foreign reports state) set of legs that allowed him to take massive steps, the nation managed to survive in the harsh landscape they had been put in. He inspired his people to constantly exercise their legs, subjecting them to rigorous yoga passes and convinced his followers to stop going downwards entirely. From there on out, the populace of the nation has, according to its hellstorians, never gone down a set of stairs again, always striving to go UP. The First Great War for Satan's Asshole When United Skeletons and the Evil Wizard Satanists declared war upon Helicoptera , all nations in Supreme Death Hell were shaken, including the Republic. Both leaders from Helicoptera and United Skeletons came forth to the Republic's government, requesting their alliance in the war in return for lucrative trade agreements and unity of purpose. The Republic remained neutral in the conflict, only ever providing minimal amounts of aid to both factions in exchange for the Republic's safety. It was never announced publically, but the majority of Stairsteppia consider the war to not be worth wasting lives on as they considered fighting in a war between inferior lifeforms entirely beneath them. The Battle of the Steps In the Hellyear of Satan's Horrid Ass '''Aerobics,' 'broke of bones, the Republic's people were suddenly confronted by strange, stout people with brooding black robes and nightmarish dental hygiene. These were ambassadors from the nation of The Unholy Empire of the Evil Wizard Satanists. They had come to Stairsteppia to convert its people to their faith, but upon seeing the superior lifeforms stepping up stairs like an elegant dance, over and over, never going down - they naturally wondered what the fuck was going on. The ambassadors were informed by Resident Stepcretary Viola Leghairs that the Republic stepped in such manners so they could one day ascend the fabled Stairway to Heaven, leaving Supreme Death Hell. Upon hearing of this quote 'sacrilegiously sacred' idea, the ambassador became furious and ran right back to his own nation. Soon after, the leader of the Evil Wizard Satanists, Harry Potter (Allegedly) called the Republic out for being un-heathens and that they must be punished. The Republic's Supreme Prime President, Longbone McAllister, said that Potter was just jealous of their beautiful forms. He also added insult to injury by insulting Harry Potter (Allegedly)'s glasses and said that their lord Satan had short, ugly goat legs. After this, the people of Stairsteppia started doubling their daily yoga-passes, each person walked several travelators to bits a day and they all prepared themselves to protect their homeland and the Stairway to Heaven from the, as coined by local comedian Albin Armless, "''crazed pajama-hats". Age of Heaven The Age of Heaven is a chapter of the Republic's history that has yet to be written. It is the Stairsteppian's belief that one day, they will all attain such grand legs that they will be capable of climbing The Stairway to Heaven together, escaping Supreme Death Hell. This is a belief held by a majority of the populace and they are all in constant preparation for that day to come. Geopgrahy On maps drawn by the only capable cartographer in all of Supreme Death Hell, Garret Garretsson, the Republic shares a border with The Dankmocracy of The United Kingdom of the BBQ SAUCE and The Radioactive Wastelands of Atomicbombia. Upon these crooked parchments, the Republic can be seen taking the geographical shape of a big boot. Whether or not this is a natural formation, propaganda on behalf of the Republic or the joke of some idiot god, no one can say. What can be safely assumed is that the Republic is a vast landscape of steep steps and ridiculous altitudes, the terrain constantly elevating the further one travels into it. Along the many steps riddling the land, there's garbage and spilled soda and other junk that the ever-traveling Stairsteppians have left behind. Society Demographics The Stairsteppian society is incredibly homogeneous, consisting mostly of men and women of legs that make up most of their body. This is the result of years of only ever moving ꙞUPꙞ, with as many centimeters between each step as possible. There are minor exceptions, with small communities of immigrants from other nations living in Stairsteppia as well, but they suffer a much higher death-rate as the Stairsteppian society is constantly moving, making it hard for foreigners to keep up, often resulting in them getting lost and falling off a cliff. Health The life expectancy of a citizen in Stairsteppia is 300 hellyears, as claimed by the government. Due to an extremely physical lifestyle and specialized medical care, most everyone lives for a very prolonged period of time. It is said that Longbone McAllister is over 500 hellyears old, having been the leader since the nation was thrown into Supreme Death Hell. Education According to the government census, all citizens of Stairsteppia are of "supreme intelligence". Whether this is true or not is debated, as many of Stairsteppia's children do not know how to count. Education often takes backseat to things the Republic deem more important, such as doing jumping-jacks and shaving legs. Language The Stairsteppian language is incredibly unique as it is only comprised of footnoises. If one were to step into a Stairsteppian local, one could expect to only hear clapping and scratching. Some Stairsteppians are also versed in hellspeak, as to effectively communicate with members of other nations. Religion Religion is banned in all of Stairsteppia. Instead, the government enforces a set of beliefs where the people of the Republic take center stage. The core of this belief-system is that the populace are the most supreme lifeforms in all of Supreme Death Hell, and that only worshipping of one-self and the Stairsteppian people is the right thing to do. The Stairway to Heaven also plays a big role in this belief, as it is foretold by local seers (or madmen, as foreign reports state) that once the Stairsteppians reach the top of the Stairway, they will all become gods. Science The Republic's government believes that science should conform to its users, thus any scientific researches or discoveries that have the scientists going down somewhere, such as down into the ocean, down into a cave etc. is strictly forbidden under Stairsteppian law. One instance of this law almost being broken was when Jacques Toessou, Emeritus Professor of "Marine Biology" brazenly said to the government; "We know less about the ocean floor than we do the lunar surface. The dearth of research is absurd! Were the government to provide more funding, we could perform studies on marine life, underwater volcanoes, currents, and more. The possibilities are endless. Sure, it'll cost a pretty few meters of space between steps, but the dissertations will be enthralling." He was promptly taken out-back and kicked to death by special agents. Economy The Stairsteppian economy is extremely enclosed and centralized, being one of the most self-sufficient nations in Supreme Death Hell. That being said, the economy is what normal people would consider a fucking mess. The currency used in the Republic is centimeters of space between steps. Every Stairsteppian has a 'centimeter-counter' on their person that counts every centimeter of space between each step they take, adding it to their 'wallet'. This results in no one going broke in the Republic, but the inflation is constant and massive. This is considered a good thing by the government, however, as the more centimeters you have to pay for something, the more steps you have to take - resulting in the economy directly influencing the Republic's primary goal of attaining legs capable of traversing The Stairway to Heaven.> As a result of this, all individuals within the Republic are constantly pressured to exercise their legs. The unemployed, the homeless and even the infirm, no matter the age, are sent to gym-factories where they scale stair climbers called 'threatmills' for hours each day, providing a natural source of electricity to the Republic, but, more importantly, amping up the worker's legwork so they can survive in the constantly inflating economy. If the gym-factory workers find themselves incapable of scaling the threatmill for the required amount of hours, they will trip and fall down these surrogate stairs, breaking whatever bones they may have left. Culture Households and Cities As people of Stairsteppia are always moving UP, staying in a house for a prolonged period of time being punishable by death (being thrown down a flight of stairs). Therefore, houses built in Stairsteppia are constantly under construction, always being built taller and taller. As a result of this, deaths due to falling buildings, falling down buildings, and trash falling from buildings are widespread in the nation. Cities are built in the same manner but on a much grander scale. To see a city in Stairsteppia is to see the biggest, most hazardous-looking skyscrapers in Supreme Death Hell, built in very close proximity to one another, without regards to safety or standard building regulations. The biggest clusterfuck of a city in the Republic is Relativius, which is built in a way that defies logic to such an extent that it has inexplicably lost all gravity, making its buildings and citizens only ever move upwards. When someone decides to move into Relativitus, it is illegal to move out, because then they would have to get down. Thus, a lot of people decide to never move into a house nor a city. Instead, many live in small tents that are worn like overalls so they can still move while being inside. Many are also trained to move while sleeping, which unsurprisingly also results in many deaths. Clothing A very important part of Stairsteppian culture is clothing, especially for legs and feet. As a general rule, all people in Stairsteppia wears long johns, as they are both comfortable and stretchy. When it comes to shoes, the Republic has a very special way of manufacturing them. Some may say it's an immoral act, but for the longest time, the Stairsteppian scientists have crossbred thousands of gene-manipulated animals of shoe-like sizes so their spine and innards form perfectly along the feet of the supreme lifeforms. As of now, this breeding-technique has been perfected and now everyone in the Republic wears crossbred teacup pigs on their feet that grow with time to always fit the wearer.* Military The Republic has the least advances defense force in all of Supreme Death Hell, a known fact much due to the Republic's interests primarily lying within its own borders. The Stairsteppian military is only deployed in scaling-raids, wherein the battalions of Stairsteppian footsoldiers scale city walls and barricades like cats climbing up trees, being undisputed masters of offensive siege warfare. However, once they scale the walls, the Republic's forces are not, by their restrictive code, allowed to leave the wall, as that would entail hopping down from it, and thus any and all nations raided by the Stairsteppians usually only find themselves lacking walls. Stairsteppian Witchhunters The Republic has a dedicated force of Stairsteppian Witchhunters, formed and sanctioned by Prime President Longbone McAllister after frequent discoveries of Evil Wizard Satanist agents in the lanky forests of the Stairsteppian hinterlands. They dress in far-stretching duster coats and humongous high-crowned leather hats, and are armed with shin kickers wrought from crumbled fragments of the Stairway to Heaven, thought to have a cleansing potency. The Witchhunters have been known to work closely with The Holy Empire of Nostlevania , who's leader, Fammy Tay Bukkit, was the one to suggest the formation of a Witchhunters Guild in Stairsteppia. While McAllister took the idea and officially sanctioned it, all the while pretending it was his own genius that came up with it, it is thought that this was a power move on the part of Nostlevania, as the unwitting Stairsteppians then started sending unwitting aid into Nostlevania's idealistic war against the Evil Wizard Satanists, helping them get rid of the Holy Empire's primary obstacle on their road to godhood. Foreign Relations While the Republic is incredibly isolationist and xenophobic, it does have its connections to the other nations of Supreme Death Hell. Stairsteppian embassies in other countries are few and far between, due to the Republic's atavistic urge to only ever move UP. In order for an embassy to be constructed, a building permit has to be discussed and settled between the Republic and whatever nation the embassy shall be built in. After being permitted, the Republic will start the construction of a long, logic-defying stairway between the lowerlands of Stairsteppia and a high, solitary peak in the other nation--specifically and necessarily a peak situated at a higher altitude than the lowerlands from which the stairway begins, so the ambassador can effectively move ꙞUPꙞ the stairs. After that, whatever ambassador is sent to scale this stairway may never come back to Stairsteppia, unless another stairway is built from the embassy to an even higher peak located within the Republic's borders. The Holy Empire of Nostlevania While the Stairsteppian people find the eccentric televangelists of Nostlevania unsettling, the Republic has found a lucrative trade agreement with the Nostlevanians, their prime export being buckets full of cheap, awful food touted as having extremely long shelf-lives when they actually turn into rot-slop in like a week. These Nostlevanian food buckets are found to be easily carried by the muscular thighs of the Stairsteppian people, providing an easy and cheap alternative to stopping and actually cooking food. In return, the Stairsteppians provide Nostlevania with humongous amounts of marble mined from the landscapes of Stairsteppia, a resource the Nostlevanians can use to fashion dishes, platters and countless miniature statues of their crooked idols. In addition, the two nations regularly aid one-another in conflicts with The Unholy Empire of the Evil Wizard Satan ists , both having goals strictly holy in nature, something the Evil Wizard Satanists despise. Supreme Prime President Longbone McAllister Category:Nation Category:Nations